Unclear

Once again I'm beginning something I'm not quite sure I'll be able to end. I've had a lot of beginnings lately. And lots of endings. Most I'd rather not remember. Sitting in this stuffy, noisy, distinctly uncomfortable internet cafe, I can't help but think that I've never really lived a single day the right way in the seventeen years of my existence. How much can you accomplish in seventeen years, anyway? How much can you screw your life up? For the past few days what predominates my mind is the uncomfortableness of everything. I have this feeling in my gut that I'm not where I'm supposed to be, that I'm not doing what it is I'm supposed to do. I am in a rut, just like the countless ones I've been having ever since I can remember. What is it, really, that I'm supposed to do with my life and what is it that keeps me from finding out? I'm supposed to spend my time getting an education and I've learned a lot of things. But everything seems to be contradictory. And the only thing I'm sure of right now is how little I know of anything. I don't understand what makes me tick - why I keep doing the things I do.

I have so many things on my mind but I don't know what to start with. I think that I'm on the verge of a breakdown - and that I'll always be on the verge because that's how I always am - at the point of something but not quite getting there.

Religion - my faith. Do I even believe in anything now? Well I've lost faith in myself a long while ago and as for God - the best I can say is that I don't know. And right now that uncertainty is driving me crazy. And I am hoping that things change for the better and that my next blog will be a more optimistic one although I really don't know how that's going to happen right now. I am waiting for something that will most probably never come.