The List

Sometime last week, while I was in the grip of a particularly annoying respiratory infection (I am still recovering), I got so pissed at all the stupid people around me that I would have written a scathing, lengthy entry containing numerous impolite words if I had only had strength enough to sit in front of a computer and type. Nevertheless, I've since contained my anger and I've created a list of all the people who require immediate punishment.

Note: this is to be taken in the context of an alternate universe where conditions are exactly the same except that I have absolute, unquestionable powers (this is actually true even now, people just don't realize it yet).

1. Drivers of smoke belching vehicles - They shall be given exactly one week to overhaul their engines, and those who don't comply will promptly be rounded up and shot. Not very creative, I know, but it will do. The vehicles themselves will be disposed of in a conveniently out-of-the-way area, all the better to clear up our congested cities.

2. Politicians who had the brilliant idea to allow certain countries to dump worthless spare parts into our country, thereby creating the problem I've mentioned above - These guys, being the instigators of the whole thing, and being the people who should know better, will be publicly skinned alive and left in the streets to rot. An example to others who might get similar brilliant ideas.

3. Politicians, law enforcement officials, and others in power who shamelessly neglect any reasonable measure of law enforcement and allow smoke belching vehicles to run unchecked in the streets, poisoning the citizenry - These people will be decapitated (if they hadn't already been skinned alive) after being branded with the letter S on their chests, which stands for stupid. Their severed heads, along with their bodies, will be displayed in a public area for exactly one week. Again, another example.

4. People who smoke in the streets or in any public area - They will have one hand cut off (preferably the stronger one) and they will have their noses removed. As an afterthought, I might designate one or two buildings within each city to which smoking will be limited – like a smokers' ghetto. The windows will, of course, remain closed.

5. Politicians who, until now, allow cigarette ads on TV and the radio when they have long been outlawed in most other places - Refer to punishment number 2. Any other creative mode of torture and/or execution will be appreciated.

6. People who spit on the streets (here's a clue: keep your disgusting body fluids to yourselves) - They will have their tongues severed and their lips sheared off. Repeat offenders will be smeared with their own spit and required to perform a month of community service.

7. Any other insignificant creatures who happen to incite my annoyance - They will be subject to my discretion, and punishment will vary depending on my mood. They will be sure, however, to lose any number of appendages and/or their lives.

I could go on and on, but this will do for now. With the excellent administrative policies I've come up with, I might consider running for office in the future. Or perhaps more suitably, heading a military coup.