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Drifting

It has to stop. I can't keep going like this forever.

Strangely, I feel that at every turn I am opening doors that will be very difficult to close.

The Past and the Pending

I seem to be borrowing a lot of my titles from songs I like, these days.

It's not often that I find myself idle in front of a PC. I need to make it quick, though, because I am hungry. And this computer runs like crap.

I've been through the usual cycle of highs and lows, again. To tell the truth, it's beginning to get boring. I can't point to anything in particular that I want to keep in mind, just the certainty that I should move on. The will is definitely there. It's a current that's buried deep within me, past the turbulent emotions on the surface. I'm not sure where I'm headed, but as long as I'm driving anywhere's fine.

To sever ties, or wait

This is the first good day I've had in a while - no one to deal with but me, and this time, I actually enjoyed myself. I hope this will last into the rest of the weekend.

I don't know how long it will take for me to recover, and whether it is still possible for me to undo the consequences of some of my decisions. All I know is, I do not feel as trapped as before. I know how volatile my state of mind can be, but I think I can delay (and hopefully prevent) the onset of uncalled-for depression by just shoving evil thoughts away before they take hold. The best way to do that is to focus on other things, and another set of obstacles. But perhaps it will take the same skills to manage both. I need to learn how to act quickly, and not to obsess. I need to hold fast to the present and give it form and reality, because no one else will do it for me, and because it is the only thing that's worth doing.

I still haven't made up my mind, but I know that I have to decide soon. Whatever I choose, the important thing is that I do not betray myself. Let's see what happens.

The Pinocchio Syndrome

It's really more than I can stand, the way I am right now. All that pent-up hatred and frustration has to be channeled into something; it might as well be this.

Fuck. Shit. Putang ina. I want to gather all the damnable words in my vocabulary and throw them out of my system before I explode. It was never meant to be like this. I never expected for things to turn out this way.

I know that whatever happens, no matter how much I neglect my studies, the worst I can sink to is mediocrity. I will probably never fail an exam, but that's not the point. If, at the end of all this, mediocrity is all I achieve, then it will be as if I had never even existed. But it will actually be worse, because it will speak of my denial of existence, of life itself - I was given the fruit but I turned it away.

I know that at one level it's just that cycle catching up with me again, and that would have been all right if it weren't for that completely unexpected development which almost made me lose everything. I am not the same as I was before. I want my old self back - he was easier to handle.

It is not human to be moved by inconsequential, meaningless generalizations. It is not human to be held captive by fear. It is not human to want or need forgiveness. It is not human to glorify mediocrity, or to bow oneself into submission and self-hatred.

I want to be made real and living, fully.

An exercise in maturity

I just got through the first challenge in this drawn-out process (after a much-appreciated break from the previous round) and it turned out to be a miserable failure. I'm not talking acads, though. I've come to realize that given my present situation, I have no cause to doubt my capacity to engineer results that are up to my standards. My concern is that impediment of an unrelated nature that has attached itself to me insistently and is now digging up irrational drivel in my head. It won't leave me alone.

I don't like clutter. I've geared my efforts of late towards streamlining my consciousness, leaving no room for the bother of contradictions. I admit that I still need to improve on many areas, but I'm inclined to think that I was progressing well enough until I got back and control began to slip out of my hands, again.

The state I am in

I had an eventful summer - I got to read a lot, write some, and do plenty of things that I usually am not able to. So far things are going well enough. This has been going on for some time; I could get used to this feeling of contentment.

Now I am waiting for another round of intensive work. I am juggling a number of things in my head but I don't intend to come to any definite conclusion as of the moment. I'm fine with letting several lines of thought just drift around and settle naturally - it's a take-things-as-they-come mood, and it's probably going to last a while.