Done

I am spent. Wasted. Man, those exams were crummy. Probably my worst ones this semester. Three straight major exams.



I'm obsessing again. That's how I am.



I can't stand it. My aura is reeking of failure. Sheesh. And I almost misspelled the stupid word too.



I have to go. My paragraphs are too short but what the hell. No one else ever reads them anyway. So off I'll go to wonderland to forget about everything for a while.



I wonder when I'll get back?

Blind Spot

So. This is the aftermath of two huge exams that made me feel restless all week. I thought I got done venting awhile ago at the arcade. Obviously I'm not. Which is why I'm here again in this dump (having successfully conditioned myself against a smell that I'm beginning to suspect contains traces of weed) delivering my piece.

My life is once again in an in-between state. I'm engulfed in a sea of unpleasantness that I have to cross. I can deal with the tests pretty well, though. I've been doing that since I don't know when. But it's the hordes of 'activities' I'm required to do that I find utterly distasteful.

Why have I been condemned by fate to take my KOM subjects in Filipino? Things would have been completely different otherwise.

I think there are still some things I've left unsaid but right now I really need to get back to studying for yet another test.

Another day, I guess.

Suffocation

I hate the way this stupid place stinks. The smell permeates my clothing and lingers there hours after I leave. These morons just can't seem to stop smoking. Shame. It killed my 'creative writing mood'. I was about to dismiss the line of thought but the noise made my mindless game players hanging about is just terrible.



I can't do it. Not today. I'll talk freely later when I figure out how to overcome this wretched smell.

Sunday

Today I did something productive. I cleaned up my room. It wasn't really anything much. I could've done a whole lot more with my time but once again I didn't. But it's a start. I think I can finally break away from this lull I'm in.



On the other hand, I am starting to freak about the progressively more numerous responsibilities that are piling up on me. This is not an isolated occurrence. It's a nasty consequence of the vicious cycle I'm trying to break.



I didn't go to church today. I haven't since I left Davao. I don't see the point when I know I won't be sincere anyway. Also, I'm just too lazy to go and that's probably the only reason. It just makes me feel better to have a justification for my actions.



I am blowing all the long-term things I've decided to carry out and I hate it. I need to lay down a more definite plan for what I should be doing. Boundaries for what I will and won't allow myself to do. I will do it within this week. I think that wouldn't be asking too much of me.



Yup. A gradual change would be best. I'm already aware of how deep and potentially hopeless my situation is. But as long as I have the strength to occassionally keep my head above the water I'm still in the game. And I still have the hope of reaching land. I just hope I don't get myself drowned before I get there.

Better?

Right now I'm not in as bad a mood as I used to be but I admit that there's still a lot about my life that's still messed up. I think I'm doing better though. I read a 'Japanese' novel and it was good and I'm waiting to read the second installment of the trilogy. I just got the result of a recent exam. Owing to bonus points I got over a hundred percent. And because of those things and the fact that I now have my allowance of the week I'm feeling slightly better. Funny. Exams have this huge impact on my mood. But I never work for them. Well, yes, I cram for them, but that doesn't count. And when I do well on them I get high and act like it was destined to happen. Like, 'of course I should have done well on that exam, there's no reason I shouldn't'. But when I don't I bum around and complain and feel depressed and I'm just sick of it happening again and again.

I have to unentangle myself from the results and ask myself whether I did my best or not. Because I have always said (or thought) that that is what counts more. Except that I have never really done my best ever so what is there to ask? And my actions clearly point the other way: I'm only interested in results, and so is everyone else.

Time to change.

For the better, I hope.

Unclear

Once again I'm beginning something I'm not quite sure I'll be able to end. I've had a lot of beginnings lately. And lots of endings. Most I'd rather not remember. Sitting in this stuffy, noisy, distinctly uncomfortable internet cafe, I can't help but think that I've never really lived a single day the right way in the seventeen years of my existence. How much can you accomplish in seventeen years, anyway? How much can you screw your life up? For the past few days what predominates my mind is the uncomfortableness of everything. I have this feeling in my gut that I'm not where I'm supposed to be, that I'm not doing what it is I'm supposed to do. I am in a rut, just like the countless ones I've been having ever since I can remember. What is it, really, that I'm supposed to do with my life and what is it that keeps me from finding out? I'm supposed to spend my time getting an education and I've learned a lot of things. But everything seems to be contradictory. And the only thing I'm sure of right now is how little I know of anything. I don't understand what makes me tick - why I keep doing the things I do.

I have so many things on my mind but I don't know what to start with. I think that I'm on the verge of a breakdown - and that I'll always be on the verge because that's how I always am - at the point of something but not quite getting there.

Religion - my faith. Do I even believe in anything now? Well I've lost faith in myself a long while ago and as for God - the best I can say is that I don't know. And right now that uncertainty is driving me crazy. And I am hoping that things change for the better and that my next blog will be a more optimistic one although I really don't know how that's going to happen right now. I am waiting for something that will most probably never come.