The loneliest person I know

So this is how I get when I'm confronted with something I can't explain, dealing with things that are way over my head. I've noticed that more often than not, I write here when I'm dissatisfied with how things are going.

Maybe it's because I've eliminated much of the clutter, and now I'm faced with having to deal with a bitter truth: that I don't really give a fuck about what I used to think was so important to me, that I am weak and swayed by things that I used to think could never touch me, that I am lonely and looking for meaning but I just can't find it here. I just can't find it in me.

I hate that I am so fucking vulnerable to external influence. I hate the thoughts I've imprinted in my head, creating this monster that has grown into something too much for me to handle.

I just want to go home. Please let all this be over already. I remember something Aidz told me: [God] has such a twisted sense of humor. Assuming his existence, I would have to agree.