Normalcy

A lot has happened in the two days that passed. And right now I am left numb. Which is strange. Because I happen to think that my experiences were pretty intense. And now I'm thinking: is this what everything leads to? Do we live and feel and find that there is nothing afterwards? There are memories, of course. But they can never really capture the essence of actuality. And they fade with time. Leaving behind vague fragments of the past. And of course death is the biggest mystery of all. Because despite any amount of faith in an afterlife, we are denied the certainty of what really happens afterwards. Will there even be a reality then?

I don't know. That's for certain. And no one else alive knows either. It really is the great equalizer. Every human being faces the uncertainty of death with an equal amount of vulnerability. I remember someone saying, "People are never born equal." I suppose this is true. But we are equal in our lack of certainty about death. And for that matter, every passing moment.

I did not intend to be philosophical. But I just have to wonder about the point of what I'm doing. Because I'm not doing it very well. I keep on immersing myself in all the trivialities of existence - eating, sleeping, studying, socializing. They take up all my time. But I think, it would be very sad if I spent my entire life this way. This is not what I'm supposed to do. This is not what I'm supposed to BE. I'm something else. I can feel it - beyond all this. Deeper. More real. Which is why I keep thinking that I've never lived a single day in my life the right way. I've never really been what I feel I should be.