A realization

Right now I'm hungry and tired and so not in the mood for another round of intensive studying. I had a long day, starting with a Zoology lecture exam I spent all weekend studying for, after which I immediately turned my attention to cramming hundreds of terms in my head for the quiz on cat bones in the afternoon. My strategy worked, because I think I did well enough, but I was hyped up the entire time and there were a couple of instances when I felt like I was about to throw up.

I am saturated with information, none of which would be particularly useful or interesting to laymen, which at present doesn't even have any concrete practical applications. And yet the fact that I've memorized so many obscure biological terms will translate into grades that will give other people the impression that I am intelligent. That I am knowledgeable. That I am wise.

Last night, as I walked towards a nearby convenience store to grab something to eat before getting back to studying, I noticed a few dark shapes stretched horizontally along a corner of the sidewalk. I knew what they were - indigents who chose that particular area to settle down for the night. They're usually thin, grimy, forlorn-looking men who wander the streets aimlessly during the day. I had long ceased to feel surprise or sympathy for their wretched condition. I ignored them the first time I passed, but when I approached the convenience store a second time, I just happened to glance at this lone figure, lying on a narrow cemented elevation in a corner, her body wrapped in a ragged blanket and her wrinkled face framed by wispy white hair.

She had the peaceful look of a person in deep sleep. Or a person who's dead. It took me a while to get over the image of that old woman in my mind, not only because I felt disgusted at a world that could reduce someone's grandmother into such a miserable state, but also because I knew that I had no way of helping her, and even if I did, I had no intention of doing so.

What do I know that really matters? I know that people often hide their true thoughts and intentions from each other, and that this is an indelible and probably essential aspect of society. I know that the people I see in the streets who stare blankly as the world passes them by are living in my definition of hell. And I know that ultimately, in a world where people like to think that compassion and decency and kindness are imperatives, it is every man for himself.

I am wise, I know, but so is everybody else.