The Pinocchio Syndrome

It's really more than I can stand, the way I am right now. All that pent-up hatred and frustration has to be channeled into something; it might as well be this.

Fuck. Shit. Putang ina. I want to gather all the damnable words in my vocabulary and throw them out of my system before I explode. It was never meant to be like this. I never expected for things to turn out this way.

I know that whatever happens, no matter how much I neglect my studies, the worst I can sink to is mediocrity. I will probably never fail an exam, but that's not the point. If, at the end of all this, mediocrity is all I achieve, then it will be as if I had never even existed. But it will actually be worse, because it will speak of my denial of existence, of life itself - I was given the fruit but I turned it away.

I know that at one level it's just that cycle catching up with me again, and that would have been all right if it weren't for that completely unexpected development which almost made me lose everything. I am not the same as I was before. I want my old self back - he was easier to handle.

It is not human to be moved by inconsequential, meaningless generalizations. It is not human to be held captive by fear. It is not human to want or need forgiveness. It is not human to glorify mediocrity, or to bow oneself into submission and self-hatred.

I want to be made real and living, fully.