The Art of Cramming

I just got back from Davao (I'm missing my family already) and I've already got a barrage of schoolwork to attend to. There's the quiz in Zoology lab an hour from now, the exam in Humanities tomorrow, the departmental exam in Chemistry this Saturday, and God knows what else. But I really don't give a rat's ass about any of that because I got to go home and enjoy myself. Also, I rediscovered a little something I wrote back in high school that I think might help me deal with the major studying I'll have to do in the near future. It worked for me back then, and I have no doubts that it'll serve me just as well now.

There is one practice that, though generally despised, is an undeniable part of everyday living. It is the frequent companion to impossible deadlines, final examinations, and grueling research work, all of which compel the average individual to put off working on them 'just this one last time', due to the inherently dull nature of the tasks involved. As you may have guessed by now, what I am talking about here is good, old-fashioned cramming, and if you've had the assumption that any moron can go on ahead and cram, you're badly mistaken.

Cramming is an art. Despite what most people think, it takes real skill to pull off a cramming session and come out unscathed, with results that won’t get your boss to start yelling at you, or else show nice, colorful numbers on your report card. In fact, cramming entails a great deal of preparation and commitment. The world is littered with degenerates who dropped out of school or got fired from their jobs just because they didn't take the time to learn how to cram the right way. Unfortunately, there hasn’t ever been a course given on the proper way to cram, and as a dose of public service, I'll clue you in on an age-old classic: the all-nighter.

Ahh, yes: the all-nighter. What decent student can forget the first time he decided to stay up late and suddenly discovered that he had in fact stayed up so late - it was early. Early morning, that is. Just in time to grab a bite and head on to slug the daily grind to school. Just thinking about it brings me back blissful memories of the good old days… but enough about me. The fact is, the memories of all-nighters may not be so blissful for everyone. But that's okay - that's what this article is here for. I'm proud to introduce my fool-proof, hassle-free, step-by-step guide to surviving the dreaded all-nighter. Take it from me - I’m an expert. Pay attention to what I'm about to say and you just might find yourself thanking me later on.

Step 1) Arm yourself with a formidable arsenal of… well, food. Let me tell you, there’s nothing worse than being stuck in the middle of the night trying to cram buckets of semi-useless information into your head and getting a sudden urge for the munchies. It will drive you nuts. So the first thing to do is to go on ahead and gather lots of food and put them smack in the middle of your desk. Chocolate bars and potato chips are excellent for this purpose, but any sugar-rich food will do. And one more thing: don't ever, ever forget your coffee. There's nothing better to prep up a bleary-eyed, yawning, stress-ridden student than a good ole cuppa. Make sure you have lots in supply so won't have to interrupt yourself later.

Step 2) Gather the necessary materials. Hopefully you have some decent notes at hand (whether they be yours or copied off from someone else, it doesn't really matter) or at the very least your course textbook. If not, then go get them. They are absolutely important… almost as important as the food, even. I mean, how do you expect to pull off an all-nighter when you don't even have anything to study for? Once you have them, place them on your desk next to the food, or someplace where they don't get in the way.

Step 3) Now that you have all the stuff you need, it’s time to get on with the down and dirty. I'm talking about work. Yes, I know, I know, the very reason you've resorted to cramming is to avoid work in the first place, but like it or not, it has to be done. Here are a couple of pointers to help you out though. First, go over the topics you need to cover and work systematically. That way, halfway through your cramming session you won't find yourself looking up and discovering that you had not in fact covered anything at all. Second, don’t hesitate to put your entire focus on the job. Remember, your suffering will last for only a few hours, but the rewards you'll get afterwards will definitely be worth it.

Step 4) Do whatever it is you're supposed to do. If you need to take that killer math test, then do it. If you need to pass that overdue research paper, then hand it over. This step it vital. Don't ever skip it because if you do, then all the work you just did would amount to nothing.

Step 5) The test of a truly effective all-nighter lies on what happens next. Review the results of your efforts. Any grade higher than slightly above passing indicates that your all-nighter has been successful. If that’s the case, then give yourself a pat in the back. You deserve it. If, however, you failed the test, then you’d better think twice about what you did. You might have missed out on some of the techniques I elaborated on or perhaps the all-nighter may simply not be for you. Try to improve your methods of cramming and if that still doesn't work, then explore saner, safer alternatives like actually studying on a regular basis for example. The prospect may not sound so inviting but it’s better than killing yourself over studying all night.

That ends it. Hopefully you now have a better idea of what cramming is all about. Decide carefully whether it's something you want to be doing on a regular basis. And remember - just because it's a shortcut doesn’t mean that it's easy.