This isn't depression.

For the past few days I've been sitting in front of one computer after another preparing to write a new entry and ultimately deciding to call it off after realizing that I didn't have anything to say.

I have maybe four or five unwritten entries in my head right now that I can't bring myself to create. I don't know why.

I do know that I've increasingly become aware of myself zoning out in the middle of the day, staring at nothing in particular, my mind filled with a confused, incomprehensible buzz of nothingness. This is usually not a good sign.

The day before yesterday I received news that made me rethink my image of myself. I have never considered myself a person capable of strong emotional outbursts. Particularly because most of the time, I'm not even aware of my feelings.

Most of the time, I do not know how I feel about myself, or other people, or a particular situation. This is why in most cases, I tend to agree with whatever opinion is mouthed by the person I'm with at the moment.

I haven't really paid much attention to my emotions lately. This is partly out of habit, something I have developed to a great extent as part of my unconscious policy of ignoring things I do not find agreeable. It is a cancer that has metastasized into something that may be untreatable. An analogy that I find appropriate, given that I believe my current situation to be similar to a slow, inevitable death.

I am at a standstill. My mind wants out of this hole I've dug myself in. I am afraid because to me the image of an inescapable abyss is starting to sound attractive.

There is a certain peace to be found in ending everything. I never thought I would understand this, but I think I now know why the elderly experience happiness when they are brought to their final resting place.

Perhaps this is the only way to achieve true happiness and content. I wouldn't know.

On a lighter note, I've decided to learn the basics of CSS. And I've decided to construct my own template design. I haven't started on this yet, of course. I'll do it later. I am intrigued by being able to change the entire look of a page without really changing anything in its structure. And I want to see if I can come up with a design that's indicative of my personality.

Now if I can only figure out what exactly my personality is.