Just a thought

It took me roughly three days to overcome the lingering pain (in my thigh adductors and hamstrings) following that uncharacteristic burst of physical activity. I wish that other, less apparent types of pain were just as easy to get over.

I was told, some months ago, that maybe I am drawn to problematic people. Maybe I am. Maybe, until now, I've never really given myself the permission to be happy.

Tomorrow is Compre day. I wonder...

I'm waiting for tonight and waiting for tomorrow. I'm somewhere in between. What is real, just a dream.
- Lifehouse

Almost There

The past few weeks a sense of restlessness has been mounting within me. It probably isn't going to end until I am finally done with everything that needs doing here. Surprisingly, I think being on the edge might actually help me deal with things more effectively. At this point, the routine I incorporated into my system for the last couple of months is no longer operative. The lack of constraints entails more freedom and responsibility, but I think I am now ready for both.

When I realize how far I have come and the enormity of the changes I experienced, I feel grateful for having made it this far. Soon, I will return to a completely different environment. I know the change will be good for me.

The loneliest person I know

So this is how I get when I'm confronted with something I can't explain, dealing with things that are way over my head. I've noticed that more often than not, I write here when I'm dissatisfied with how things are going.

Maybe it's because I've eliminated much of the clutter, and now I'm faced with having to deal with a bitter truth: that I don't really give a fuck about what I used to think was so important to me, that I am weak and swayed by things that I used to think could never touch me, that I am lonely and looking for meaning but I just can't find it here. I just can't find it in me.

I hate that I am so fucking vulnerable to external influence. I hate the thoughts I've imprinted in my head, creating this monster that has grown into something too much for me to handle.

I just want to go home. Please let all this be over already. I remember something Aidz told me: [God] has such a twisted sense of humor. Assuming his existence, I would have to agree.

I still don't have it.

Things are changing now, more than ever I think, and I'm feeling off balance. I'm managing to cope better than I used to, and despite a few setbacks I can safely say that I'm slowly improving. As much as everyone else I'm looking forward to the release summer should bring.

I changed the template because I got sick of the gaping space between the title and content of my entries. Hopefully I'll be able to come up with a new one during the break.

Two days ago I got hit by a car for the first time. I was crossing a supposedly one-way street and I was looking in the proper direction, so I didn't see it coming. Thankfully the driver hit the brakes quickly enough, leaving me annoyed and weirded out but in one piece. Incidentally, I was in the mall earlier today when out of nowhere my left hip started aching, and it didn't occur to me until some time later than it may have been a consequence of getting hit in that spot by that stupid car's bumper two days before.

I still don't have the only thing I really want right now, and there's no guarantee that it will ever come. But then there's this change, this ferment inside of me that right now only leaves me lost and confused. Rather than resist it, I might as well welcome whatever it is that's in store for me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first. Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes. And I know that waiting is all you can do sometimes.
- from Strange and Beautiful (I'll Put a Spell on You) by Aqualung